This is for the girl who’s watching her friends, one by one, get married. The girl who’s genuinely happy for her friends yet fighting the jealous lump from forming in her throat that silently screams, “when’s my turn?” The desperate longing in your gut that weeps, “when. is. my. turn?”
Warning: while this vulnerability overshadows you, a man is coming who is a counterfeit to the real thing. He is going to try to sell you a dream of marriage and the life you want. You will have to fight like hell not to buy it with your body. I want you to know that even if you do...even if you are, God’s grace and love will cover you but don’t miss your chance with the real one, waiting for the counterfeit to come into alignment with the potential YOU see in him.
Everyone places emphasis on Ruth following Naomi and meeting her Boaz in the field where she worked but we don’t talk about her sister in law Orpah, who missed her chance by returning to the place she left (Ruth 1).
“When is my turn?” Your turn is coming. You’ve heard that before and you’re tired of hearing it. You’re tired of hearing it from girls who are close to being married. Girls who are smiling in their pictures with their men and girls flashing their rings but as I write this, I reflect on a time and recall seeing myself in my bed. When I’m depressed, I stay in the bed. And I can see myself laying on my side staring blankly at the wall closest to me while tears roll across the bridge of my nose into my other eye, soaking my pillow. Grinding my teeth, thinking, I’m better than this. I deserve better than this. Like i know i deserve better but why do i always end up here. I didn’t pray for this. But he will get it together. But when? He said....but his actions aren’t lining up. When was the last time I saw him? I’ve lost a whole baby and he wasn’t even there. I’ve lost my dignity. I should’ve learned by now. How did I even give him a chance? I was vulnerable. Thank you God for covering me. I’m not waiting anymore...
I’d been through this so many times that ending it, ending the counterfeit situationship didn’t even hurt as bad. His absence brought me back so much of the peace and happiness I’d lost.
I met my fiancé a few months before in the kitchen we use to pop-up, prep, and teach classes. He made the brave decision to start popping up after being out of cooking scene for quite some time. The day of his first pop up, he met me. I didn’t give him the time of day because I was in my counterfeit situationship but the week of my 30th birthday, I had the revelation that I know God didn’t bring me this far to keep nurturing a relationship that inorganically and continuously failed to thrive. I know God hears my prayers and nothing about this was an answer to them.
My fiancé would text me and try to spark conversation but I would keep it short. I recall being at a happy hour with these same girls...my girls saying, “this young boy wants me...lol.” I dismissed him because he was young and I always thought I’d marry an older man. I did and that didn’t work either.
One day, he said something super wise and I was like wayment, Hey Zaddy! And the rest is history and good food. The rest is a legacy of Jesus lovers who don’t even know Him yet, curses broken, wealth gained for our families, and soul-stirring food being cooked.
I believe that if I didn’t end that counterfeit situationship, I would have missed my chance for a real one. I believe that if Javon didn’t make the brave decision to return to cooking, he would have missed his chance at meeting a real one, his future wife and favor with God.
I finally realized that I am a good thing and with me comes favor (Proverbs 18:22). I established part of my identity in this scripture and began carrying myself as such.
I am humbly confident. I stopped settling for something I didn’t want thinking it would change into something I wanted. If it didn’t line up with what I wanted, I weighed it’s importance and priority level for me and adjusted accordingly. I say that to say, there is no perfect man but there is a perfect man for you and he will still get on your nerves...lol but the only way you’ll know who’s perfect for you is by asking questions unapologetically and getting to know him. Unapologetic questions are ones you ask while dating with the expectation of if his answer doesn’t line up with the answer you need, you adjust accordingly; you let him know this isn’t going to work. There is no point of wasting time with the wrong one. Did my fiancé answer every question with an answer that met my expectations? No. But those answers weren’t deal breakers for me. So I’m going to give you the questions I asked him. Before you start asking questions, figure out your deal breakers. I didn’t have established deal breakers when I met the counterfeit one so I just kinda rolled with it and went with the flow. Yes, I made a list of questions and read right from it on our second date. Yes I did sis. Why? Because I’m a good thing and with me, comes favor from the Lord and I can do what I want and if you truly want to be with me, you’ll answer them.
P.S. Child, he answered them. I could tell they were turning him on. I challenged him. I challenge him. I told him I was dating and looking forward to dating for the first time in my life after being in long term relationships. He told me I wouldn’t get the chance...and he was right. If you take nothing else from this, know this: 1. What you want exists and matters; even the minutest thing and 2. When a man wants you, there will be no excuses and he will do whatever to have you. You set the terms and he will willingly meet those terms.
I’m praying for you. Im thanking God that you won’t end up with who you thought you wanted. I’m praying you don’t miss your chance by going back to what you left...by being preoccupied with a counterfeit. I’m praying you become brave enough to start that dream and work in your field. I’m praying you walk in and embrace being a good thing who brings favor. I’m praying your real one finds you soon. Your turn is coming. Be encouraged and have fun.
Pour & Stay Full,
B. Callier