After The Morning After
(Which BTW is one of my FAV. Maze ft. Frankie Beverly songs)
He sold me a dream and I bought it with my body.
Yes. I'm sorry. I feel like I've let you down. I'm no longer the "perfect" example that you think I am. And the fact that I'm more worried about how you see me than how God sees me at this very moment bothers me to no end. The fact that I'm somewhere between wanting you to see me and genuinely wanting you to see Christ is sickening to me. I'm gonna work on that ASAP. I know EXACTLY how I got here.
But for release purposes, because the only way I know how to process through something is writing:
He sold me a dream and I bought it with my body.....
I guess. I mean I think. Or maybe it's really not that deep. Maybe I just had sex because I wanted to. Because it had been 1 year, 10 months, & 10 days. I'm sitting here confused as crap, watching the cursor, because I don't know what the heck just happened. I mean I know WHAT HAPPENED but HOW?!?! WHY?!?!
What is WRONG WITH ME?!
Did I really believe his words? Do I really believe his promises? To be honest, I want to. My heart says he's different but my eyes see a replica of same. My heart says give him the benefit of the doubt but my ears hear concrete evidence of sure facts. Whoever said "follow your heart" wanted to pardon the stupid decision she was about to make.
Because that's how I feel right now: Stupid. I was so firm with my words. Spitting my standards and morals all proud: What I was gonna do. What I wasn't going to do. One thing is for sure: we were both all talk. Him with his promises and me with my rules. I want him to see the amazing person I am but all I've shown him is the amazing "person" I am...Smh. I need to go read my own book...lol. I've become a cynic. I'm numb. I need to repent. Lord, I'm sorry but I'm honestly more sorry that I didn't stick to my standards but I want to be sorry that I disobeyed you more. I'm sorry that I'm more worried about what people are going to think of me than You do. But I do care how You see me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know how the heck I got here....
Ok I'll just say it: I want him to be the one. Somewhere inside of him, beyond what he is so blatantly showing me, is the man I see myself with and...
And I sound dumb as a mug. I sound like I'm going backward and not forward. I sound like I didn't just write a whole book talking about how God freed me from all of this... I sound like I need to go sit down somewhere and get my life in order. I hear: "You're human." Yeah but I don't want to be a Christian who pleads humanity when she falls…to continue to fall, pleading humanity.
I want to go back to feeling worthy of being in God's presence. Wait. But I'm really NOT worthy. None of us is worthy. When did I become so self-righteous? But I'm not one of those self righteous people that feels like she is better than anyone. I just hate the way I feel now. I feel so off. My peaceful disposition is gone.
Crazy thing is... I was so focused man. I had just started getting up at 5am to have devotion with God. I mean I was on my second day doing it but that was progress for me! Had just started learning about the power of prayer and intercession. Had just wrote a piece a few months that I was proud of called: Prostitution for Marriage and here I am out here being a hoe, AGAIN-- a hoe to my standards. I went back and read it and it's probably prophesy for what I was about to do. Wanna read it? Here it is:
Prostitution for Marriage
There's this vulnerability that single women have that makes us think that every man we are in the least bit interested in (because we are hardly EVEEEEER interested and are veeeeery picky [Christian woman's motto]) is "The One". And I think it comes with not really grasping that "We are the prize." I mean, as soon as we feel chemistry and start clicking, we start making plans--like a week in. Yes. Like after that first 4 hour conversation we have with you on the phone. Ooooo girl, I'm telling all our secrets: We automatically make you our future husband in our heads. We start supporting your cause, cooking for you, being all encouraging and stuff to prove ourselves worthy for the role of wife in your life. And when we are NOT picked, we are shattered because of all the work we have put in. I will say this and you can disagree if you want to, but no woman starts doing all that for you, MEN, just because. She is auditioning for the role of wife in your life and if you don't see her as such, RUN. Don't be selfish and accept it all. If you're reading this, you can't act like you didn't know going forward. And while I have your attention: Selling a woman a dream just so you can sleep with her and continue to reap her benefits is also manipulation and therefore witchcraft…
So a little wisdom that God has given me:
1. Auditioning for the role of wife without so much as a title is almost like we're prostituting for marriage. Prostitution is defined as the business or practice of engaging in relations in exchange for payment or some other benefit. Auditioning for the role of wife without so much of a title is manipulation and therefore witchcraft, ladies. We trap a man to the point where they know we aren't "The one" but can't let go because we've been so good to him. We also have become a sure companion...someone he can always run to in his time of need. And honestly, he essentially is ONLY staying because:
a. He’s afraid he'll find no one better.
b. He doesn't wanna hurt our feelings.
c. Simply for companionship
2. You are the prize. Carry yourself and build yourself as such until you believe it for yourself! It's almost like you need to get to a point where you have this air about you that is right in the middle of "down to earth" and "bourgeoisie". Down to earth so that you are approachable but nose in the air so men have to prepare themselves to approach you. You have to get to a place where you know what you have to offer and refuse to give it to ANY MAN who isn't worthy of it…instead of offering all you got to prove you're worthy. I'm telling you that space between "down to earth" and "bourgeoisie" is the sexiest you will ever feel.
3. Instead of always being ready and available, make yourself unavailable and allow God to make (prepare) you. Allow Him to show you what you need to work on. And when He shows you, be ready to work on it. Making yourself unavailable makes a man have to work to avail you. My dad says that good men like to work for theirs. And if he wants you and realizes you are the one, he will work.
And I'm literally laughing and shaking my head at myself because I've broken all three points...smh. Liiiiike…WHO WROTE THAT? LOL.
But before I go any further, I realize that wisdom is only knowledge unless I'm gonna follow it or maybe wisdom is only knowledge unless I've lived it. Well now I have and let me tell you what I've learned so far:
I freaking hate dating. Hate it. My friends who are all married or booed up are all like “Brittney, You gotta get out there.” Well LOOK, friends who all married and booed up: I DID AND I’M DONE DONE!!!!
I've also learned that I give great advice and so do a lot of people but until you're in the situation...it's a whole nother (that's not a word) story...
So let's focus on what I DID learn:
And I pray it's not cliche' or familiar to you even now: I don't know if I will EVER understand the magnitude of Christ's love for me. No no no no no. You've heard that before but I need you to keep reading. I found myself repenting but not really meaning it. Just doing it because that is what I'm supposed to do and it bothered me so much that I wasn't truly apologetic with God. I was sorrier that I didn't represent myself as the woman that I know myself to be with this man. And even as I type that I need to ask myself: Who am I representing; myself or God? I was sorrier that I went against everything I said and didn't stick to my word.
Sleeping with this man was a HUGE reality check for me that I am not all that I think I am.
I've been taught these two bible verses my whole life:
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." Romans 12:1-2 (KJV)
Maaaan, you probably didn't read the whole thing because you know them by heart too...but guess what you don't know?
Verse 3...because I didn't either: ".......I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us."
Well there it is...the writer KNEW that while we were striving to present our bodies as living sacrifices, holy, and acceptable...that while we were making a conscious effort to not conform to this world...we JUST MIGHT start feeling ourselves because we were doing so.
And. I. DID. And. I. Fell. Miserably.
So because I was so numb, because I was scared I would be pregnant or worse infected with some disease, and because I felt like needed to get out of the dog house with God and prove how sorry I was...I decided to fast. I fasted from eating solid food (drinking only my morning cup of coffee and water all day) and from social media. I unplug from social media when I need to get my life together because being engaged in other peoples' lives does not help me focus on or be content in mine and that's what got me in this mess in the first place:
I lost my FREAKING focus man. Everyone's getting married and bae'ed up and I want the same but after much thought and error (once was enough for me):
I believe that God is wise enough to send me my soul mate while I stay focused on me, my responsibilities and priorities instead of trying to aimlessly entertain men in an attempt to meet the one. God doesn't need my help and He doesn't need yours either.
During this fast, I decided I wasn't going to write anything or say much of anything to God. Because what ever I said, I didn't really mean. Just being honest. I was numb. Me saying I'm sorry a thousand times means nothing to God unless I mean it. I was just going to read my Word until it got my life together.
I started reading Joshua and a lot stood out but what really stood out to me was how He did EXACTLY what God said. It also stood out to me how quickly people would completely go against what they said they would do. And that was when I realized I had just broke my vow that I made with my God...ugh.
So by the 3rd day I was feeling weak. Like tired. Like rethinking this whole not eating anything thing. So I googled: "God told me to fast for 7 days" hoping I would find something medically sound that said EAT BEFORE YOU DIE GIRL!!! But this girl's blog came up which is freaking amazing. She talked about how she fell into sexual sin and she made mention of Hosea 2: Charges Against an Unfaithful Wife
is the initial subject of the chapter and that was enough for me to bow my head in shame but I kept reading:
Ughhhh....so Israel or "this wife" was prostituting herself for whatever it is she felt she needed and could get from her lovers. As a result God blocked her way and allowed her to continuing running after these men, never finding what she was looking for; only to return back to God (her husband) because she knew she was better off with Him. God then says that she doesn't even realize that while she was thinking the lovers supplied her needs, it was God all along. God even gave her wealth but she still continued to give her gifts (her worship) to another god; Baal.
So while I'm reading this, tears are streaming down my face. While I'm out here making myself available so that my earthly husband can find me....I just cheated on my Lord and my God who is my husband FIRST. If I can't serve Him consistently, how is he going to trust me with whoever he has for me?
That convicted me but what compelled me to repent was the next part:
The Lord’s Love for Unfaithful Israel
“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her...She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,” says the Lord, "you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’....I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord...."
Then and only then did I honestly cry out to God and repent. I was reminded that the God I serve, is not condemning but so loving. He once again became real to me as my loving husband rather than my master. And if that did the same thing for you as it did for me...go ahead and take the time to repent right now for anything or one you've chased after other than Him. Give Him praise as you realize that it was He who gave you everything you have. Now, forgive yourself. My sister was just in my room watching this ratchet marathon of Love and Hip-Hop and I only watched long enough to see Joe Budden crying to his mother about how he relapsed. And I couldn’t help but empathize with him. He cried, "I think I'm just now accepting that I relapsed. And I'm just thankful that I didn't die! God's got me. He's always got me." So yeah go ahead and accept that you've relapsed. You've already repented. You are forgiven. The next step is to forgive yourself. You're not perfect. Only Jesus is. God's got you. He's always got you. But how many times have you heard that? And what does that even mean? I didn't know...lol and since I was still on this fast. I found this book and it explains it much better than I can:
I'm also taking a course on the book of John right now and the professor pointed out that Jesus' ministry takes the pattern of an accordion of private and public ministry. He had periods where He went public but He also had His private moments. And I'm learning that we love the public moments don't we? We love to be validated by people. We love for people to confirm what God has told us to do. But what happens when people don't respond? Does that negate what God has told us to do?
What I've been neglecting are my private moments with God. Consistent private moments. Not just when I know I gotta go public (speaking engagements and such). If haven't been with God, then I am in no way prepared to do anything for Him and therefore, His people. I am also unable to LIVE as the woman God freed me to be. No, like...I can do nothing right without constant contact with Him. Yes. Even live. I am also in no way prepared to date because I need all sorts of discernment and to hear God clearly while entertaining ANY man.
I don't know if I'm going to just leave the whole dating thing alone because although I fell, I learned so much. Me falling also broke my familiarity with God. It made me become more aware of Christ and His love. (GO READ THAT BOOK I JUST RECOMMENDED). I DO KNOW that I'm not putting myself back in the position to sleep with NOBODY! I just wish I could date and stay focused but I'll learn. God will teach me what I'm trying to learn and then I'll share it with you...
Before I got distracted, I was learning about prayer and intercession. I was reading the book Fervent. The devil must not want me to unlock this whole prayer thing. This whole learning the Word of God and reciting it out loud thing...but for now, this has become my prayer (out loud, every am) to keep my heart in check:
I'm so grateful that Your faithful love never ends and that Your mercies never cease. Great is Your faithfulness; Your mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him! (Lamentations 3:22-24) Give me a new heart, and put a new spirit in me. Take out your stony, stubborn heart and give me a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26) Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. (Psalm 51:10-12) You are my Lord. You are my God and I am yours. In Jesus' name I pray, amen. Now get up. Dust yourself off. Get in your Word! Set aside PRIVATE time with God and stick to it. Discipline yourself. Pray! Stay focused. Stop disregarding red flags with these men. Keep it moving, put on your red lip, and get back to Work.